Long Distance Relationships in College
#LDRProbs
This is a review of literature on just what the title suggests, long distance relationships in college. As a researcher, I've collected ten different sources of information regarding everything from "do these relationships work" to "why they don't" to reasons "why they're more successful than other relationships" and everything in between. Below you'll find a brief overview of the different opinions, studies, and information I gathered along the way.
Many researchers such as Guldenr and Swensen (1995) and Emmers-Sommer (2004) found no significant difference in “happiness” reported by long-distance couples compared to couples who were geographically closer to one another. Therefore, the variable of being in close proximity (by itself) is not necessary for relationship satisfaction. While Arditti & Kaufmann, 2004 suggest that there needs to be a strong friendship as the foundation of a relationship before trying to make the separation work, a meaningful connection between the couple is essential to conquer the distance many couple find themselves facing for extended periods of time.
Numerous researchers have looked into this idea of idealizing one’s partner when in long distance relationships, which can become an obstacle in maintaining that relationship. Ultimately, what research has shown is that more often that not, we are influenced by this “halo effect.” This is when someone shows one or two outstanding personality traits and we then find ourselves generalizing that trait to an overly favorable evaluation of the entire person. We limit ourselves so that we can’t see our partner’s faults, and while this effect is particularly relevant in teenage relationships, long distance further enhances its influence. (Feldman, 2008)
As anyone could probably guess, trust is an essential component of any relationship, but especially long distance ones. You have to be able to trust that your partner is committed to the relationship, and vice versa. In a study done on college students in long distance relationships, there was an overarching report of this “haunting feeling of separateness and distance,” however, this was sometimes offset by “a new sense of trust in the strength of the relationship (Wendel, 1975).” This is just another example of how immensely important it is to be able to trust your partner, especially if you’re attempting to go against the odds and do the distance.
Now, as far as whether or not long distance college relationships actually work, there are opposing ideas. Bret Begun (2006) says that the sad conclusion amongst authors who’ve written about college life, admissions advisers, university psychologists, and even Newsweek staffers is that most long distance relationships simply don’t work out. Begun uses the University of California’s term “turkey drop” in describing the overly common Thanksgiving breakups. Begun continues on to talk about two main reasons why breakups are inevitable. First off, it’s very difficult to be involved in your partner’s life when you’re far away and second, the opportunities are endless; there are simply too many times a partner is put in a situation which tests their self control.
On the flip side, there has also been research done to support the contrary. For example, according to a Purdue University relationship researcher, going your separate ways for college can actually bring a couple together. Associate professor of education studies, Mary Carole Pistole, agrees. She says that long distance relationships tend to last as long as or even sometimes longer than other relationships. The reason for this is that they work in different ways than most relationships. For example, familiarity can “breed boredom” when one partner feels that they already know everything about their significant other’s life. Plus, Pistole says that long distance partners “have more open communication, talk more about the relationship, have fewer trivial arguments, segment work and relationship time, and have high-quality time together which might create a closeness not seen in those who see each other every day.” Other advantages include Pistole’s argument that couples who are doing the distance are not only more likely to bring up each other in conversation more often, but also wear things that remind them of their partners, have pictures of their partners, and be extra affectionate when they see them.
Many researchers such as Guldenr and Swensen (1995) and Emmers-Sommer (2004) found no significant difference in “happiness” reported by long-distance couples compared to couples who were geographically closer to one another. Therefore, the variable of being in close proximity (by itself) is not necessary for relationship satisfaction. While Arditti & Kaufmann, 2004 suggest that there needs to be a strong friendship as the foundation of a relationship before trying to make the separation work, a meaningful connection between the couple is essential to conquer the distance many couple find themselves facing for extended periods of time.
Numerous researchers have looked into this idea of idealizing one’s partner when in long distance relationships, which can become an obstacle in maintaining that relationship. Ultimately, what research has shown is that more often that not, we are influenced by this “halo effect.” This is when someone shows one or two outstanding personality traits and we then find ourselves generalizing that trait to an overly favorable evaluation of the entire person. We limit ourselves so that we can’t see our partner’s faults, and while this effect is particularly relevant in teenage relationships, long distance further enhances its influence. (Feldman, 2008)
As anyone could probably guess, trust is an essential component of any relationship, but especially long distance ones. You have to be able to trust that your partner is committed to the relationship, and vice versa. In a study done on college students in long distance relationships, there was an overarching report of this “haunting feeling of separateness and distance,” however, this was sometimes offset by “a new sense of trust in the strength of the relationship (Wendel, 1975).” This is just another example of how immensely important it is to be able to trust your partner, especially if you’re attempting to go against the odds and do the distance.
Now, as far as whether or not long distance college relationships actually work, there are opposing ideas. Bret Begun (2006) says that the sad conclusion amongst authors who’ve written about college life, admissions advisers, university psychologists, and even Newsweek staffers is that most long distance relationships simply don’t work out. Begun uses the University of California’s term “turkey drop” in describing the overly common Thanksgiving breakups. Begun continues on to talk about two main reasons why breakups are inevitable. First off, it’s very difficult to be involved in your partner’s life when you’re far away and second, the opportunities are endless; there are simply too many times a partner is put in a situation which tests their self control.
On the flip side, there has also been research done to support the contrary. For example, according to a Purdue University relationship researcher, going your separate ways for college can actually bring a couple together. Associate professor of education studies, Mary Carole Pistole, agrees. She says that long distance relationships tend to last as long as or even sometimes longer than other relationships. The reason for this is that they work in different ways than most relationships. For example, familiarity can “breed boredom” when one partner feels that they already know everything about their significant other’s life. Plus, Pistole says that long distance partners “have more open communication, talk more about the relationship, have fewer trivial arguments, segment work and relationship time, and have high-quality time together which might create a closeness not seen in those who see each other every day.” Other advantages include Pistole’s argument that couples who are doing the distance are not only more likely to bring up each other in conversation more often, but also wear things that remind them of their partners, have pictures of their partners, and be extra affectionate when they see them.